The Fear Of A Broken One…: Episode 1
Tinuololade walked into her elder sisters house with her usual poise.
Aunty Tinu! Aunty Tinu! Aunty Tinu!
Her 2-year-old niece ran to meet her at the door.
Tinu picked her up and threw her in the air as her manner is whenever she visits with her elder sister, Tiwalade. The giggle that usually follows drew Tiwalade out of the bedroom.
“I don’t know how you are still able to pick her up and throw her into the air… I can hardly carry her these days” Tiwalade said patting her sister and then sitting down on the plush leather sofa.
The room was brightly lit, giving off an air of sunshine and sophistication.
“Jemima, what is my name?” Tinu asked her niece with a mischievous smile on her face
“Aunty Tinu” she replied with a smile showing off her milk teeth
“No, I mean my full name… Tinuololade”
“You want to laugh abi?” Tiwalade said with a twinkle in her eyes
“Please let her talk now Aunty Mi” Tinu rolled her eyes trying hard to hide a playful laughter
“What is my full name jare?”
” Aunty Tinululudu” The girl replied with a shy smile
Both sisters erupted into eye-watering laughter
“Don’t mind your Aunt my darling… Go and play with daddy in the library so I can talk with Aunty Tinu” Tiwalade took the T.V remote to shut it off while they talked.
“What’s wrong dear you look troubled?”
Tiwalade asked looking at her sister with a look of concern
“Aunty Tiwa… I don’t know what is wrong with me? My heart tells me to let go but my head tells me to hold back” She sighed heavily but continued.
” Micheal loves me that I know, but I really don’t know how to love him back and I’m afraid I keep hurting him more and more every day that passes”
Tiwalade looked at her sister and tried to pick her words carefully “You don’t know how to love him or you don’t want to love him”
“Really… I don’t know sis.” Tony replied using both hands to cover her face.
“He tries so hard to please me and make me happy and all he is asking in return is that I open up to him. Lean on him and let him in. I don’t know if I can do that?” Tinu replied looking lost in thought. “I don’t know if I can give him what he is asking”
” Tinuololade… All your life you have always tried to play it safe. Shield your heart so no man can hurt you. You’ve never given yourself the freedom to love freely”
“Aunty Tiwa. He is asking me to show him my weakness. I don’t want a man to see me vulnerable… Love makes you vulnerable” Tinu replied matter of fact throwing her hands in the air.
“Love isn’t weakness dear, it is a strength in fact. I can tell that you truly love Micheal because no guy has ever come as close as he has… You never really cared how a guy feels about your restrained attitude but this time around I think you do.” Tiwade replied in her soothing voice
“Doesn’t that show you that you have gone over the edge already? I think you have fallen in love with him” Tiwalade replied with an understanding smile
“I know… I tried so hard not to but I think I have. It’s hard not to love Micheal Aunty mi” Tinu laid out on the chair trying hard to relax
“So what is the problem darling… Why are you still disquieted?” Tiwalade asked
“I don’t want him to know how much I care Sis… I don’t want him to take advantage of the fact that I love him and then take me for granted and start stepping all over me” She cried as she spoke
“And I think He knows already. Aunty Mi I’m finished” She continued to cry.
“It’s okay dear” Tiwalade moved over to rub Tinu’s feet. An act that always make the little sister relax.
“Tinuololade… A child of God that truly loves you won’t use your affections against you dear. He will cherish you like his very life… “
“Release yourself to love this gentleman God has given you with all the strength you have… You gotta Let go. Don’t let the fear of a broken heart hold you back. This guy is entirely crazy about you…” Tiwalade replied in a loving voice
“I think I’ve blown it already…” Tinu said amidst her tears.
“What happened?” Tiwalade asked looking alarmed.
“We had a huge disagreement yesterday. He said he doesn’t wanna continue this way… What am I gonna do?” Tinuololade wept inconsolable
Loving someone means allowing yourself to be vulnerable and hoping that the person will not take this as a strength against you.
It is way easier to give our hearts halfway or not at all… Still trying desperately to hold a piece back, just in case it ends up being a lie. An insurance policy…
A lot of us ladies have been warned and I mean sternly warned not to give our hearts totally to a man, or better still to not let a man know how truly and deeply you love him. They’ll take advantage of you they say… You will look like a fool at the end we are told.
But you know what? They are not totally wrong and in fact, they don’t have to tell us their stories, a lot of us experienced our mothers doing penance for love. I am one of those.
But how can we live fully if we love halfway? How can we say we know God if we think it unwise to obey the commandment that says to love your own husbands?
I don’t wanna live in constant fear and trepidation that my beloved will stab me in the back or should I say in the heart with the same sword I bequeathed to him?
But if I keep my heart close and choose not to love deeply or totally; if I keep my trust secured away so I will never be disappointed; if I shield my heart from loving for the fear of getting it broken; what will my portion be?
I want to love totally. I want to feel all there is to feel for a beloved. I’m tired of holding back and playing safe. Playing safe went out the window the moment I said “I do”.
I want the whole package. It’s reckless the world will say, but I’ll rather be reckless in the will of God than to play safe by my own rules.
Godly women have told me about the bliss and the joy that comes with loving your own husband. Blushing for the same man everyday. Showing him the beauty of love without restraint. I’ve been told there is a blessing that mouth can not utter.
I want to experience it too. I’m letting go of my heart and my guard into the will of God. The world says be cautious, but if I can’t trust God enough to fall totally in love bow can I boldly say He is my Lord?
With a lack of sense of control comes the mighty waves of anxiety. The constant imagination that the other shoe is going to drop; the tiny voice at the back of your head telling you you will be sorry if you let that man in.
I can’t promise you that that won’t ever happen, but I can tell you that even though you can’t control the action of the other person, your God does control your own life and you’ve got to trust His sovereignty. He’s got your back so long as you are in His will.
The road in marriage could be bumpy… Sometimes you break each other’s heart unknowingly and even unwittingly break trust with our recklessness, but one thing is certain, if the Lord Jesus is in that home, you will rise up again and start building that love and trust again. It may take a while, but with a strong will and the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, it will be done.
Your heart could get broken, but God could mend it and make it whole again. Give you a fresh dose of untainted love.
Don’t live in fear of a broken heart because perfect love casteth away all fear. There is no fear in love.
When you get married to that man; that special man for whom you were created and formed; love him passionately with every ounce of you. I’m not saying he will never make a mistake or hurt your beautiful fragile heart; I’m only saying if it does, because you obeyed God, God will help you through it.
We are in a world where women are told never to be vulnerable to a man; to stand on their own and raise their children themselves if the man misbehaves; to never fully commit to a man not submit to his will. This is a lie of the devil.
Dear Christian sister, you are strong and beautiful and you can live fully in the will of God, loving your husband and your children. Loving him as the church loves her saviour and submitting to him as the church submits to Christ.
You can’t live in fear or anxiety; seeing a threat in every man that loves you truly and imagining one where there is none. A lot of sisters missed the will of God in marriage because they just couldn’t trust God and entrust all of their heart into God’s care. I almost didn’t.
While our experiences have shaped our beliefs, it is not too late to get another set of beliefs. That even though on gets broken, God can give you a brand new one.
Dear single sister, if you are going to do it at all, you better be ready to do it well. God’s way alone. No insurance policy(I’m not talking headway insurance), no plan B. Total dependence on God. That’s the only way to have peace; to have that home where joy abounds. Love fully and love freely.
And oh thou brother and husband, don’t you ever dare to crush or break one of these little ones because their redeemer is strong and you will give an account of every tear you make her shed and rewarded for every smile you put on her face.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.